I wrote the essay below in 1992 after starting martial arts in my early thirties. The message still applies today so I dusted it off and posted. it. I hope you enjoy.
Susan
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I’m a Learning Disabilities teacher at a public high school. I have worked with “at-risk” kids for the past nine years. I’ve always thought I had a good understanding of my students, and could empathize with their hardships. However, throughout my own educational training and career, I’ve had very little academic difficulty. I had to work hard, but, I always did well. I had enough confidence in my ability to learn that I was willing to make the investment.
Now, when it comes to physical pursuits, I perceive myself as “learning disabled.” I would describe myself as a klutz. I’ve had enough bruises in my life from bumping into things to back up that perception. I never could catch or hit a ball.
I believe that physical exercise, however, is a great way to stay healthy and alleviate stress. I hate to exercise; it is boring. The one form of exercise I do enjoy is the martial arts. I find martial arts physically and mentally challenging.
Last year, I checked out several martial arts schools in the area. I was especially impressed with two different schools. One, I was very comfortable with. The other created in me a sense of awe. The style taught at that school is Kung Fu.
Kung Fu is the ballet of the martial arts. I am very intimidated by it. Very little in my life intimidates me. I decided to join the other school…the one I was comfortable with. I rationalized that it was a much more practical form of self-defense. I ran into two obstacles. First, I had to sign up for four months at a time, and they didn’t take VISA!
Second, the class I really wanted was on my husband’s golf night and I couldn’t find a sitter for my kids.
Well, the Kung Fu school offered classes I liked every night of the week and Saturdays. I could pay by the month. Phew! I didn’t have to make a major commitment. So, I held my breath and jumped in…to Kung Fu. The point here is that, like many of my students, because of circumstances beyond my control, I’m taking a course that wasn’t my first choice. If circumstances were different, I would have rationalized taking the easy way out.
I go to class three times a week. Usually, within the first ten minutes, I ask myself, “What am I doing here? Why am I starting something like this, especially at my age?” I have this overwhelming desire to escape, to walk out (to cut class). But I don’t. I have had enough experience in life to know intellectually that I can beat this self-doubt (I think). My pride forces me to stay. I don’t quit.
Sifu (kung fu teacher) showed me the first five moves in the basic form. We practiced it together 3 or 4 times. He told me to continue on my own until he got back to me, and walked away. I panicked! My mind went blank! I couldn’t remember a thing! I felt stupid. I looked around me and everyone else knew what they were doing. I was too embarrassed to ask for help and make it obvious that I didn’t know what I was doing. So, I tried to fake it and hoped Sifu wouldn’t notice.
One night, we did shadow boxing. I absolutely hated it! One student practiced self defense techniques with a partner, without making contact. I worried a little about getting hit, but, that wasn’t my big concern. I just “knew” I couldn’t do it. I was going to kick my partner in the groin by mistake, or, I’d hit him in the face for sure. I was so paralyzed by the fear of not being able to do it, that I kept getting confused. At the end of the session, Sifu told me to practice in the mirror at home. He said that is how I would improve my technique. He was giving me homework! My first emotional response was “Yeah right, like I’m going to waste precious time at home doing something I know I can’t do.”
During another of the classes, Sifu pointed out a basic form that another student was doing. He told me I would be doing that form in three weeks. He caught the doubt in my voice as I acquiesced. He said,” It’s YES! Yes, I will! I know you have the physical ability, it’s all in the mind, learning the technique and believing you can do it.” Intellectually, I knew he was right, but, my emotions were in serious conflict with my intellect. He was telling me I could do it. On an emotional level, I “knew” I couldn’t.
That’s when it really hit me: the realization of what my at-risk kids must feel! How many times have I been discouraged because I’ve seen my students take the “easy way out?” How many times have I been frustrated by students “cutting class?” How many times have I seen kids work blindly, afraid to ask or unwilling to ask for help? How many times have I said to one of my students, “You can do it? You just have to believe you can!” And, how many times have I felt frustrated when I couldn’t get through to that student?” “Johnny” should just take my word for it! I know he can do it! Why won’t he believe me?
On an emotional level, I don’t believe my instructor either. No matter how often he tells me I can do it, it won’t make a difference unless I experience some success along with his words of encouragement. Am I really expecting teenagers to have the wisdom to persevere with schoolwork they believe they can’t do? Do I have any Idea of what I am asking of these kids? Yes, I do now. The impact this experience is having on me is beyond words.
I see kids in the ninth grade that are failing classes. I see that they don’t try as hard as I think they should. Would an adult stay in a Kung Fu class if, after nine years, he or she only had a white belt? What about after four years? The big difference is: the adult can quit the class anytime with no repercussions. The kid can’t.
Think about how many times adults try to diet, have difficulty sticking to it, don’t meet with success, and then quit. I know how important eating healthy is. I want to eat healthy. I know what I have to do, but, I don’t always do it. That fatty snack is too tempting to resist. Yet, I just challenged a student last week with, “You say you want to pass, but, you’re not doing what it takes. You’re choosing not to study and not to complete homework.” But, isn’t an education more important than physical exercise or diet? A student’s future is at stake here! This is an education I am talking about! I wonder what my family doctor would think was more important when considering a lifetime…good eating habits, good physical health, or a good education. I think all three are important, yet, my best effort goes into education. I do best at what comes easy to me. I wonder where I’d be if I were a slow learner, or emotionally handicapped?
Let’s talk about fear of success. Do you know the student that picks up his grades, starts to do well, and then suddenly seems to sabotage his success? I never understood why someone would do that. Why would someone be afraid of success? I think I found my answer to that question, at the gut level.
In Kung Fu, the advanced students use weapons in their forms. A beginner form requires the use of a long stick, similar to a broom handle without the broom. More advanced forms require daggers, swords, etc. I have tremendous conflict within myself about testing for higher rank. I don’t have the confidence to deal with those weapons. If I don’t pass the test, I don’t have to use the weapons. That is a comforting thought. The more I succeed, the more Sifu will expect from me (and, I “know” I can’t do it). It is safer to stay where I am. I guess I have a fear of success in Kung Fu. Is it possible that my students may feel safer when they don’t succeed, if that’s all they’ve ever known? Do they fear that if they do succeed, that teachers and parents will expect more of them, possibly more than they feel they can achieve? And, if they don’t try to succeed, then, they can’t fail.
I never could have imagined what Kung Fu would teach me. I haven’t learned so much about my students in the past twelve years as I have learned in the past month. I had a similar experience with an art class in college, (you can’t memorize art), but, that was 12 years ago. I remembered the experience and what I had learned from it, but, I really didn’t remember, on a gut level, what it felt like. I forgot what it was like to sit at that easel in tears because I couldn’t get the picture right.
I’m sticking with Kung Fu until September. Intellectually, I believe I will then sign up for another six months. My emotions are still battling on that front. I’ve signed up my daughter. She loves it. She is not intimidated. She hasn’t experienced failure yet. She’s only five.
Copyright 1992 by Susan Fitzell All Rights Reserved
